A marriage can’t be saved unless both members of the couple are dedicated to its success. If one feels the partnership can’t be salviged, it can’t be. That hurts. However, even if your current spouse can’t forgive what you did, you can learn from your mistakes and have a better future.
It is far too easy to let the judgments of other people decide how you accept life’s set backs. When your spouse no longer wants you in his / her life, it is a harsh judgment, and you may be inclined to punish yourself accordingly. Your friends and family, too may show their disappointment in you, adding to your guilt and depression.
However, as it takes two to build a marriage, it also takes two to destroy one. In short, no matter what you did, it probably wasn’t the only reason things didn’t work out.
If you did something wrong, like have an affair, you still deserve a second
chance at happiness. Happily married people don’t stray as readily as people
who aren’t getting what they need from their union. This isn’t to say that infidelity
is the answer. . It isn’t. However, an affair isn’t as likely to be tempting to someone whose home life is satisfying.
We all have regrets. We each have events in our lives that we wish hadn’t occurred. We all have a sense when we’ve screwed up, and the bigger the mess we made, the harder it is to forgive ourselves.
However, the best way to accept your mistakes is to acknowledge them. Yes, it’s true, you shouldn’t have been unfaithful. You shouldn’t have lied to your spouse. Running the credit cards up or secretly loaning the money in your joint savings account to your no good brother certainly gave your spouse reason to end it.. Trust is hard to gain in the first place. Once it is lost, it is even harder to re-establish.
Still, you know what you shouldn’t have done. You can kick yourself for doing it. Chances are you’ve been booted in the butt by your friends and family. You’ve surely chewed yourself out, and wondered why you weren’t struck by lightening.
As sad as the end of your marriage may be, guilt feelings and regrets aren’t going to make it better. If you lied to your spouse, spent too much on the credit cards, or did anything which eventually led to the break-up, you should learn from your mistakes. Your spouse has every right to be angry with you for wrongdoing. Only he / she can decide if your action is a deal breaker. We all have choices to make, and only the effected person can decide what they can or can’t accept in their own lives.
Forgiving yourself is still something you need to do. You can’t change the past
but the future is a blank slate and you can use it to put yourself on the right path.
Your current spouse may not be able to join in forgiving you. He / she may never
trust you again. But, you can learn to trust yourself if you learn from your actions. You can treat your next relationship with more respect, and hopefully avoid the pain you caused in the first one. . Sometimes, that is the best we humans can do.
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen
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